I got my replacement phone in from eBay; it’s a workhorse and in great shape. 3GB RAM, quad core, 32GB internal and some kind of insano beyond-HD screen. $49 shipped. Suck it, iPhone.
I need to root it (gain admin access) to edit the APN list so I can access mobile data. The cell side works fine already. Verizon is infamous for their control freakery on such things. I wouldn’t use them if they didn’t have the best network.
[note from Friday the 23rd: got it sorted and am now back online.